Rocky 老师学员的雅思写作 +评改 (7分）

雅思前辈

Individuals can do nothing to improve the environment: only government and lager companies can make a difference. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There have been two opposing arguments as to who is capable of (动词短语试用不当。 Be capable of 后面一般加动名词，当做有具体的能力去做。。。而且保护环境不仅仅是个人，所以应该是复数 所以：who are capable of making environmental contribution 为好) environmental protection. While asserting that government and large corporations have significant influence in this regard, other show their anxiety by arguing that individuals can also  make contributions to our ecosystem. (没有出现文章的写作意图：This essay attempts to discuss the argument and presents my view)
(注意： 文章的第一段不管怎么写，一定要有写作意图，或者作者的观点)

It is manifest that the reasons of government and major companies have abilities to improve our environment efficiently are various. (这句话有两个动词， have …. Are…, 应该是 the reasons that companies and governments have abilities to improve environment are various, 这样就变成了….的原因是多样的，因为have 是that引导的句子中的一部分。但是个人觉得这么 用比较生硬， 就可以直接写：it is manifest that companies and government have abilities to change environment.  On the top of bonus list is (The top of reasons is ) that the government is able to step in and enact laws to resolve current problems and prevent potential contamination. Since the government enables to (enable st/ sb to do, 这里应该是governments are able to do.. )  pool and dominate various resources such as advanced environmental-friendly products and expertises, it is much easier to raise the public awareness of how to take measures to curb the proliferation of pollution through related knowledge (什么样的knowledge?，要解释)and the utilize of green products (什么样的green products?，要解释). (这句话写的太长了， 尽可能不要不很多的意思在一句话中表达。 建议简单处理： they can raise public green awareness. One good example might be that individuals could be better educated to ….. 还有， 这个论据不能很好支撑你的论点。 你的论点是政府可以利用资源，比如环保产品和专家， 这样就可以呼吁人们的绿色意识。这篇文章需要解释上句因果关系。为什么这样？  你没有体现出来。 所以建议你写完解释写例子最好， 这样才能使观点有更多的development.  同时，你提到，政府利用资源， 应该引出投入资金，做研究，进而引出发明环保材料。 这样才是更好的因果。 如果你要说提政府利用资源和提高人们意识之间有必然的联系， 那一个很好的例子是通过打广告方式来取得。  所以给我的感觉是， 你的文章是很多句子和词汇的叠加，而缺少必要的论证， 观点也没有得到足够的展开却解释， 所以文章显得大而空，这个是6分文章的特点。) In addition, for major corporations, they could focus on their manufacturing process. Specifically, those who related chemical production are not continued to discharge pollutant directly in to water without any purification process and they are cutting down the toxic gas emission, thereby without leaving a future carbon footprint on our planet. (你的in addition, 写的还不错， 有观点， 也有观点的extension.但是给我的感觉，写的过于生硬，好像直接就直奔细节去了。 建议可以柔和化处理， 比如 inadditon, major cooperation can also play a critical role--- 论点.  Since nowadays, many companies turn a blind eye to eco-system in pursuit of profit, such as deforestation, gas emission, to name just a few, our environment fall victim to company’s irresponsible behaviour. ---解释。 然后加你的例子。 这样一来就7.5分了。 )

In spit of the fact that improving our ecosystem are heavily depended on the government and large companies, as mentioned above, that is not to say that individuals do not play a pivotal role in this regards (重复，替换) . De facto (貌似是用于句中的， 可以说the food we eat, is de facto ….) , the food we eat, the type of transportation we take and the way we consume all have substantial effects on the environment. For instance, everyone could try to avoid using （everyone 太绝对）throw-it-away products, sort the daily garbage in the correct way and choose the public transport instead of private cars. Although our individual habits might seem insignificant from our perspective, at the macro level, they add up in the big way. (个人这个段落写的好，绝对的7分。)。

On the basis of the above discussion, I believe that improving and protecting our environment requires joint effort of all in terms of government, major corporations and our inhabitants.

（结论写的过于简单。 给考官一种由于时间有限，匆忙手笔的感觉。 而且语言一般。 注意， 结论是单独参与评分的， 最好能有一些好的句式和词汇。 建议参照课堂的讲义： 1. Company and society play important roles.
2. however, individual are also indispensible.
3. only through integrating the joint efforts can people survive and thrive/   can our earth survive and thrive….

内容： 6.5-7
连接词： 7
词汇： 6.5 （同义词替换不够， 比如政府：govenremnt, society, authority, ） 公司： company, cooperation, enterprise,  改变环境： environment, surrounding, situation .
同时你的词用的比较大， 不够细节, 就好比 related konwledge , and green products。

语法： 6.5
语言没有打的毛病，但是语言不够丰富， 大多体现为主从句，和主动句  比如可以尝试主语从句 和被动句
例如：everyone could try to avoid using throw-it-away products, sort the daily garbage in the correct way and choose the public transport instead of private cars  ---- 可以改为 it is suggested that individuals could be educated to ….
也可以尝试强调句： it is that …   --- it is the efforts from individuals that can progress such goal of humankind.